The Baby Is Not Coming Home

Zoey, age five, had talked excitedly during her mother Lisa’s early pregnancy about all the games she would play with her new baby brother. So when ultrasound images confirmed beyond doubt that the baby would be born with severe birth defects that he would not survive, Chuck and Lisa had not only to manage their own devastation but their concern about Zoey’s reaction. I was brought in through their obstetrician’s recommendation, just before the 21st week of gestation. 

Due to these sad circumstances, the couple sought my support in preparing Zoey. We had four counseling and play sessions, most of them with Chuck and Lisa present. I wrote a children’s book that helped Zoey understand that although her brother couldn’t come home, she would see him at the hospital, and always be his big sister. In preparation for Zoey’s visit to her newborn brother, we choose toys and clothes. At the hospital, Zoey helped dress him in the clothes she’d picked out for him, and gave him his toys. She took great pride in all this. She sang songs to him, and gave him a box filled with love notes. Photos were taken of the parents with their son, and the siblings together to preserve meaningful memories and family legacy.

Although the baby died, Zoey has an experience of having played with and cared for her brother, not in the way she’d intended, or anyone would have wanted, but in a way that maintains her role as his big sister and provides a sense of relationship that lives on after her brother’s death. My work with Zoey, Lisa and Chuck helped establish meaningful memories. Zoey's association with me was positive and that remains true today. She still visits me to play.