Coping Skills for Anxiety

Deep Breathing 

Deep breathing is a simple technique that's excellent for managing emotions. Not only is deep breathing effective, but it's also discreet and easy to use at any time or place.

Let's try!

Sit comfortably and place one hand on your abdomen. Breathe in through your nose, deeply enough that the hand on your abdomen rises. Hold the air in your lungs, then exhale slowly through your mouth with your lips puckered as if you are blowing through a straw. The secret is to go slow: Time the inhalation (4s), pause (4s), and exhalation (6s). Practice for 3 to 5 minutes. 

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By tensing and relaxing the muscles throughout your body, you can achieve a powerful feeling of relaxation. Additionally, progressive muscle relaxation will help you spot anxiety by teaching you to recognize feelings of muscle tension.

Let's try!

Sit back or lie down in a comfortable position. For each area of the body listed below, you will tense your muscles tightly but not to the point of strain. Hold the tension for 10 seconds, and pay close attention to how it feels. Then, release the tension and notice how the feeling of relaxation differs from the feeling of tension.

Feet: Curl your toes tightly into your feet, then release them.

Calves: Point or flex your feet, then let them relax.

Thighs: Squeeze your thighs together tightly, then let them relax.

Torso: Suck in your abdomen, then release the tension and let it fall.

Back: Squeeze your shoulder blades together, then release them.

Shoulders: Lift and squeeze your shoulders toward your ears, then let them drop.

Hands: Make fists and squeeze them toward your shoulders, then let them drop. Make a fist by curling your fingers into your palm, then relax your fingers.

Face: Scrunch your facial features to the center of your face, then relax. Full Body: Squeeze all muscles together, then release all tension. 

Challenging Irrational Thoughts 

Anxiety can be magnified by irrational thoughts. For example, the thoughts that "something bad will happen" or "I will make a mistake" might lack evidence but still impact how you feel. By examining the evidence and challenging these thoughts, you can reduce anxiety.

Let's try!

Put thoughts on trial. Choose a thought that has contributed to your anxiety. Gather evidence (verifiable facts only) in support of your thought and against it. Compare the evidence and determine whether your thought is accurate or not. Use Socratic questioning. Question the thoughts that contribute to your anxiety.

Ask yourself: 

"Is my thought based on facts or feelings?"

"How would my best friend see this situation?"

"How likely is it that my fear will come true?"

"What's most likely to happen?"

"If my fear comes true, will it still matter in a week? A month? A year?" 

Imagery 

Your thoughts have the power to change how you feel. If you think of something sad, you'll likely start to feel sad. The opposite is also true: When you think of something positive and calming, you feel relaxed. The imagery technique harnesses this power to reduce anxiety.

Let's try!

Think of a place that you find comforting. It could be a secluded beach, your bedroom, a quiet mountaintop, or even a loud concert. For 5 to 10 minutes, use all your senses to imagine this setting in great detail. Don't just think fleetingly about this place--really imagine it. 

What do you see around you? What do you notice in the distance? Look all around to take in all your surroundings. Look for small details you would usually miss. 

What sounds can you hear? Are they soft or loud? Listen closely to everything around you. Keep listening to see if you notice any distant sounds. 

Are you eating or drinking something enjoyable? What is the flavor like? How does it taste? Savor all the tastes of the food or drink. 

What can you feel? What is the temperature like? Think of how the air feels on your skin and how your clothes feel on your body. Soak in all these sensations. 

What scents are present? Are they strong or faint? What does the air smell like? Take some time to appreciate the scents.

Siblings

And now there are 4…

So, this is not your first rodeo. It's your second time around. Just when you've gotten into a grove with "and baby makes three," you're adding to the equation. Whatever the pace, plan, or "Oh my G-d!" adding a new baby into your home offers unique challenges. This is especially so when you have a young child at home. Added demands for you, your partner, and, of course, never to be forgotten, your firstborn.

Many parents ask me how I help the older sibling accept their new sibling at home. How do we prevent "sibling rivalry?" How can we help prepare our oldest to share and cope with the new baby? And "How can I ensure they don't hurt the new baby?"

Recently, I sat with a new second-time mother who talked to me about her 26-month-old at home. "We are just so worried that she will feel jealous." Her eyes filled with tears as she spoke, and she said she felt so guilty, "What if she thinks I love the new baby more?"

Parents often receive well-meaning advice about approaching this issue. Common suggestions include bringing a toy home from the baby for the big brother or sister. Prepare them to be a good helper by giving them tasks to do to be "Mommy or Daddy's helper." These ideas are nice; however, they will only last for a while and do not target the developmental needs of your oldest child to support their coping with the challenges of a new baby in their domain.

Your child is smart; they've been to the store and are completely clear by now how the whole idea of commerce works. The idea that the baby bought them a toy can ultimately confuse your child. "How'd that kid get money?" I'm not suggesting the older sibling shouldn't get a gift for being a new big brother / big sister, just that it can come from you, which is accurate and supports their understanding of the world and maintains their trust in you.

"Mommy and Daddy wanted to give you a very special present. This is from us because you are now a big brother/sister! Being the big brother/sister is special, and your baby sibling will love you in a very special way! We are so excited and proud of you."

• Honesty is the best policy. Be clear the gift is from you to them because of who they are: the big sister/brother.

• Your child is motivated by your praise and wants to please you. Use it as an advantage to motivate your child.

Being helpful is great, but let's face it: once your child realizes there is not much in this deal for them, they can tier off the role of "Mommy's / Daddy's Helper" long before everyone has acclimated to the new normal.

Again, don't get me wrong, you are a family, and families help each other; that is how it works. This is the expectation. This should not be your go-to to engage you're oldest in the daily care and feeding of the baby. Sure, let them help if they want to; for some children, this keeps them occupied. If that's true for you, then your home is free. Great! Good for you! You're lucky. However, for many of us, this is not the case, and your 3-year-old learns that getting the diaper and helping is just a smelly, messy arrangement they'd rather not be involved with.

Your oldest will still want your attention and will not be very patient, waiting for you to finish feeding, changing, or taking care of the new baby. For many parents, trying to pacify the older child with "big helper tasks" will not last too long when they are hungry, thirsty, or just plan to want your attention.

My suggestion to second-time parents of young children is to create "sibling boxes.”

I'll explain: There are a few places in your home where you might spend time with the new baby. Bedroom. Kitchen. Living room. You know best where these will be. Have ready items for your older child that you can quickly reach for. I know you have everything you need close by, but not having to get up and not asking your oldest to "Wait until you're done" will make all the difference to you and your children.

Putting together the "sibling boxes" could be delegated to someone who has been asking what they can do to help you. Perhaps your mother-in-law, sister, or someone saying they'd do anything for you. Ask them to collect these items and place them into a shoebox or small basket (creating 2 – 4 boxes to spread around).

A Sibling Box can contain:

• Small juice box or bottle of water

• Bubbles

• Stickers

• Hand Stamper/tattoos 

• Nonperishable food items

• Small toys (i.e., car/doll/crayons/paper, etc.)

You only have two hands. I wish motherhood came with an extra appendage! That third or fourth arm would have really come in handy (pun intended)! But since we only have two, try and make the most of them.

• Having a drink and food ready.

It will help when your child says, "I'm hungry." If you respond, "When I'm done feeding the baby," or "When I've finished," your child will likely say, "Be done now!" or, "You're finished."

• Rather than asking your child to wait to play with you, play with them now:

• Have them put a sticker on your nose or the baby's foot.

• Blow bubbles and have them chase to pop them.

• They can eat and drink "now" with snacks at the ready rather than when "you're done." Avoiding the obvious, "The baby is done now!"

Toddlers are crappy at telling time: 5 minutes might as well be an eternity, and "after I'm done" is a foreign language to many children.

• While feeding the baby, engage your oldest in a game.

Let them know you are feeding the baby on this side (right or left), and have them put a sticker or stamp on your right or left shoulder. Ask them to let you know (watch and tell you) when the baby is nursing on the other side. Then, have them put a sticker on the other shoulder. They can remove the stickers when you've changed sides. If you use a bottle, ask them to watch and tell you when it is full or empty. Have them use stickers to mark where the milk is in the bottle.

Young children will cope best if the activity is about them, if there is something active they can be involved in that brings them satisfaction. The recommendations I suggest have three main components:

• Developmentally appropriate 

• Concrete activities

• Child friendly 

• Games they will enjoy

• About them. Actions they can take part in.

Nothing is foolproof, and some days will be more challenging than others. Finally, I will leave you with two last points: Regression and Play.

A thought on regression:  

All things will pass, and this is not the best time to change your toddler's routine. Young children don't like change, and the new baby will be a big one. This may not be the best time to make any significant changes. To be expected are small steps in the "other" direction if your oldest has just achieved a developmental milestone. If you've just moved into a big bed, don't worry if your oldest becomes less enchanted and has trouble sleeping through the night. 

Or, once again, they want their pacifier back or need the pull-up. This is to be expected; however, it will not last.

Another on play:

Play is the preferred language of children. Explaining to your child that they are no longer the baby is great, but let them play with the idea. Older siblings may want to be the baby again. Playing at crying or wanting you to rock them, try nursing, or having you change them like a baby. Talking them out of this, using cognition and reason, is likely to make more sense once they are teenagers. That's too long to wait. Follow a path of least resistance by allowing them to play the baby again. They are, and will always be, your baby!

Don't worry. This will not be a permanent change in their behavior but will help them play it out and, therefore, integrate into their new role through play. So, wrap them like a baby, rock them in your arms, and sing to them, using play and your imagination. Allow them to be the baby, and soon, your child will laugh and tell you, "No, Mommy, I'm the big kid now. They are the baby. I can do lots of cool big kids stuff, and they can only goo goo-gaga."

Life will be silly and fun, and you will all find new peace in your home built for more…

A Good Omens suggestion, by Stephanie Omens 

How to Talk to Children About Death

Discussing difficult topics with children is challenging. The topic of death is a complicated yet essential conversation for parents and caregivers. A children's curiosity can lead to questions about death, or sadly, there are times when this conversation can not be avoided, and children need guidance to comprehend its complexities. This article aims to provide insights to help parents navigate this conversation, opening a door for children to process their feelings and improve their understanding surrounding death. By emphasizing the importance of telling the truth, incorporating play, and considering psychotherapy, we can create a supportive environment for children to navigate the concept of death and cope with grief.

Telling the Truth:

When broaching the subject of death with children, honesty is paramount. It is essential to use age-appropriate language while addressing their questions and concerns. Avoid using euphemisms or misleading explanations, as this can lead to confusion and hinder their understanding. Instead, be truthful and open, acknowledging that feeling sad or scared is normal. By fostering an environment of honesty, children can learn to process their emotions and understand the reality of death.

Drama Therapy:

Drama therapy is an embodied psychotherapy approach that intentionally uses dramatic processes to support healing. Drama therapy offers an effective approach to help children express their feelings surrounding death. Through role-playing, the therapist uses improvisation and storytelling, and children can explore and externalize their emotions in a safe and imaginative space. Acting out death-related scenarios allows them to gain perspective on their feelings and experiences, promoting emotional healing and understanding. Drama therapy enables children to engage with their grief in a creative and meaningful way, paving the path for deeper conversations about the complexities of loss.

Psychotherapy:

In some instances, children may require additional support to cope with their grief and emotions related to death. Psychotherapy can be a valuable resource in such cases, providing a safe and structured environment for children to discuss their feelings with a trained professional. A drama therapy psychotherapist can help children process their grief and develop healthy coping strategies. This therapeutic approach can offer a supportive space for children to navigate the challenging emotions associated with loss. Discussing death with children requires honesty, empathy, and understanding. With the help of a drama therapist, caregivers can receive the guidance they need to help children process their feelings surrounding death in a creative and supportive way. Psychotherapy, provided by a drama therapist, can provide children with the necessary tools to cope with grief and navigate the complexities of loss. Every child's grieving process is unique, and offering a compassionate and safe environment can aid them in finding healing and comfort during difficult times.

https://www.nadta.org