And now there are 4…

So, this is not your first rodeo. It's your second time around. Just when you've gotten into a grove with "and baby makes three," you're adding to the equation. Whatever the pace, plan, or "Oh my G-d!" adding a new baby into your home offers unique challenges. This is especially so when you have a young child at home. Added demands for you, your partner, and, of course, never to be forgotten, your firstborn.

Many parents ask me how I help the older sibling accept their new sibling at home. How do we prevent "sibling rivalry?" How can we help prepare our oldest to share and cope with the new baby? And "How can I ensure they don't hurt the new baby?"

Recently, I sat with a new second-time mother who talked to me about her 26-month-old at home. "We are just so worried that she will feel jealous." Her eyes filled with tears as she spoke, and she said she felt so guilty, "What if she thinks I love the new baby more?"

Parents often receive well-meaning advice about approaching this issue. Common suggestions include bringing a toy home from the baby for the big brother or sister. Prepare them to be a good helper by giving them tasks to do to be "Mommy or Daddy's helper." These ideas are nice; however, they will only last for a while and do not target the developmental needs of your oldest child to support their coping with the challenges of a new baby in their domain.

Your child is smart; they've been to the store and are completely clear by now how the whole idea of commerce works. The idea that the baby bought them a toy can ultimately confuse your child. "How'd that kid get money?" I'm not suggesting the older sibling shouldn't get a gift for being a new big brother / big sister, just that it can come from you, which is accurate and supports their understanding of the world and maintains their trust in you.

"Mommy and Daddy wanted to give you a very special present. This is from us because you are now a big brother/sister! Being the big brother/sister is special, and your baby sibling will love you in a very special way! We are so excited and proud of you."

• Honesty is the best policy. Be clear the gift is from you to them because of who they are: the big sister/brother.

• Your child is motivated by your praise and wants to please you. Use it as an advantage to motivate your child.

Being helpful is great, but let's face it: once your child realizes there is not much in this deal for them, they can tier off the role of "Mommy's / Daddy's Helper" long before everyone has acclimated to the new normal.

Again, don't get me wrong, you are a family, and families help each other; that is how it works. This is the expectation. This should not be your go-to to engage you're oldest in the daily care and feeding of the baby. Sure, let them help if they want to; for some children, this keeps them occupied. If that's true for you, then your home is free. Great! Good for you! You're lucky. However, for many of us, this is not the case, and your 3-year-old learns that getting the diaper and helping is just a smelly, messy arrangement they'd rather not be involved with.

Your oldest will still want your attention and will not be very patient, waiting for you to finish feeding, changing, or taking care of the new baby. For many parents, trying to pacify the older child with "big helper tasks" will not last too long when they are hungry, thirsty, or just plan to want your attention.

My suggestion to second-time parents of young children is to create "sibling boxes.”

I'll explain: There are a few places in your home where you might spend time with the new baby. Bedroom. Kitchen. Living room. You know best where these will be. Have ready items for your older child that you can quickly reach for. I know you have everything you need close by, but not having to get up and not asking your oldest to "Wait until you're done" will make all the difference to you and your children.

Putting together the "sibling boxes" could be delegated to someone who has been asking what they can do to help you. Perhaps your mother-in-law, sister, or someone saying they'd do anything for you. Ask them to collect these items and place them into a shoebox or small basket (creating 2 – 4 boxes to spread around).

A Sibling Box can contain:

• Small juice box or bottle of water

• Bubbles

• Stickers

• Hand Stamper/tattoos 

• Nonperishable food items

• Small toys (i.e., car/doll/crayons/paper, etc.)

You only have two hands. I wish motherhood came with an extra appendage! That third or fourth arm would have really come in handy (pun intended)! But since we only have two, try and make the most of them.

• Having a drink and food ready.

It will help when your child says, "I'm hungry." If you respond, "When I'm done feeding the baby," or "When I've finished," your child will likely say, "Be done now!" or, "You're finished."

• Rather than asking your child to wait to play with you, play with them now:

• Have them put a sticker on your nose or the baby's foot.

• Blow bubbles and have them chase to pop them.

• They can eat and drink "now" with snacks at the ready rather than when "you're done." Avoiding the obvious, "The baby is done now!"

Toddlers are crappy at telling time: 5 minutes might as well be an eternity, and "after I'm done" is a foreign language to many children.

• While feeding the baby, engage your oldest in a game.

Let them know you are feeding the baby on this side (right or left), and have them put a sticker or stamp on your right or left shoulder. Ask them to let you know (watch and tell you) when the baby is nursing on the other side. Then, have them put a sticker on the other shoulder. They can remove the stickers when you've changed sides. If you use a bottle, ask them to watch and tell you when it is full or empty. Have them use stickers to mark where the milk is in the bottle.

Young children will cope best if the activity is about them, if there is something active they can be involved in that brings them satisfaction. The recommendations I suggest have three main components:

• Developmentally appropriate 

• Concrete activities

• Child friendly 

• Games they will enjoy

• About them. Actions they can take part in.

Nothing is foolproof, and some days will be more challenging than others. Finally, I will leave you with two last points: Regression and Play.

A thought on regression:  

All things will pass, and this is not the best time to change your toddler's routine. Young children don't like change, and the new baby will be a big one. This may not be the best time to make any significant changes. To be expected are small steps in the "other" direction if your oldest has just achieved a developmental milestone. If you've just moved into a big bed, don't worry if your oldest becomes less enchanted and has trouble sleeping through the night. 

Or, once again, they want their pacifier back or need the pull-up. This is to be expected; however, it will not last.

Another on play:

Play is the preferred language of children. Explaining to your child that they are no longer the baby is great, but let them play with the idea. Older siblings may want to be the baby again. Playing at crying or wanting you to rock them, try nursing, or having you change them like a baby. Talking them out of this, using cognition and reason, is likely to make more sense once they are teenagers. That's too long to wait. Follow a path of least resistance by allowing them to play the baby again. They are, and will always be, your baby!

Don't worry. This will not be a permanent change in their behavior but will help them play it out and, therefore, integrate into their new role through play. So, wrap them like a baby, rock them in your arms, and sing to them, using play and your imagination. Allow them to be the baby, and soon, your child will laugh and tell you, "No, Mommy, I'm the big kid now. They are the baby. I can do lots of cool big kids stuff, and they can only goo goo-gaga."

Life will be silly and fun, and you will all find new peace in your home built for more…

A Good Omens suggestion, by Stephanie Omens